Reflecting feelings
A simple guideline for reflecting feelings is to start responses with the
personal pronoun 'you' to indicate being 'as if' inside a client's internal frames of reference. When reflecting feelings it is cumbersome always to put you feel before feelings words and phrases. Sometimes You're is sufficient: for example, "You're delighted' instead of 'You feel delighted. Even better is to paraphrase and find different words to describe clients' feelings. Whenever possible, helpers should try to communicate back a
client's main feeling. Even though clients may not start with their main feeling, they may feel better understood if helpers reflect their main feeling at the front of their response. Helpers should try to reflect the strength of feelings. For instance, after a row, the client may feel 'devastated' (strong feeling), 'upset' (moderate feeling) or 'slightly upset' (weak feeling). Sometimes clients use many words to describe their feelings. The words may cluster around the same theme, in which case one may chose to reflect the crux of the feeling. Alternatively, clients may verbalize varying degrees of mixed feelings ranging from simple opposites, for instance, 'happy/sad' to more complex combinations such as 'hurt/anger/guilt. Good reflections pick up all key elements of feelings messages. On occasion helpers can assist speakers to find the right way to express their feelings. Here reflecting feelings involves helping clients to choose feelings words that resonate for them.
Sometimes helpers can reflect clients' feelings and reasons that they offer for them. A simple way of doing this is to make a You feel... because... statement that mirrors their internal frame of reference. Reflecting back reasons does not mean that helpers make an interpretation or offer an explanation from their own perspectives.
It is crucial that helpers check the accuracy of their reflections of feelings. Helpers can respond to their clients' feelings statements with differing degrees of tentativeness depending on how clearly the feelings were communicated and how confident they feel about receiving these messages accurately. Almost invariably helpers check by using slightly raised voice inflections towards the end of their responses. On other occasions, helpers can check by asking directly: for instance, 'Do I understand you properly?' Alternatively, helpers may make comments like I think I hear you saying (state feelings tentatively)...' or 'T want to understand what you're feeling, but I'm still not altogether clear.' Another option is to reflect back a mixed message: for instance, On the one hand you are saying you don't mind. On the other hand, you seem tearful. After a pause the helper might add: 'I'm wondering if you are putting on a brave face?"
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